Bye-bye Mirena: No More Orc Weapons in MY Uterus

December 15, 2007 at 9:50 pm | Posted in Women | 12 Comments
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Yesterday I finally had the Orc weapon that goes by the name of Mirena removed from my uterus – it had been sitting there for 10 months and giving me all interesting sorts of pain. Even though it is a very convenient and effective form of contraception – thanks to the hormones it gives off, and also thanks to the pain it induces which doesn’t really make you feel sexy – I have finally decided that that isn’t worth the torture. The first month was characterized by tidal cramps, followed by several months in which the cramps vanished to an xtent that I could feel the sting more clearly that the instrument caused on both side (probably the entrances of the uterine tubes – the coil is T-shaped, the uterus, however, isn’t…).


Come June/July, the cramp attacks renewed – I am not very tolerant to pain, or rather, I may be able to tolerate it, but I can’t fail to notice all of its shades (my boyfriend might say I am paying too much attention to them, which I probably am).

I remember various incident, one where I was sitting in a beer garden with a friend, where the pain was so unbearable I had to try very hard not to curl up and grunt in public. I started using pain killers for cramps more often – in Austria, you cannot get these without a prescription, so whenever I went to Germany I stocked up on Buscopan and made sure I always had some in my pockets to ease the pain when it started.

The hormones in the coil sort of make your period go away – in my case, it was reduced to a very faint, yet all around the month bleeding. The pain also came and went as it desired – regardless of conservative monthly bleeding patterns.

Using my pain killers, I managed to keep the cramps under control. Unfortunately, they didn’t help to get rid of the sting that I felt somewhere leftish in my nether regions – a sting that, curiously, sometimes made walking a bit painful. Eventually, it was there 24/7 – I felt it when I woke up and sometimes it stopped me from going to sleep. It’s a rather uncomfortable situation – knowing that some piece of plastic is stuck somewhere in your uterus and somehow dislocated or generally unfit for your body (else it wouldn’t hurt, right?).

So I finally, finally picked myself up and made an appointment at a gynecologist – not exactly happy about it, because the whole process of placing the thing in my uterus was already extremely painful. And I got news that was even worse: My previous doctor had cut off too much of the thread on the coil which is supposed to be used to remove it. And with no thread in sight, one would first have to search a bit for the thing (i.e. widen the cervix, and try to find and pull out the thing with a kind of crochet needle).

Too cut a long story short: We managed to get the thing out, with the help of my cherished yoga breathing techniques to distract me from the pain and that of the doctor’s wife who came in and whose hands I was allowed to pinch as hard as I needed it.

Mirena may work for some – it didn’t for me. Some say that women who haven’t given birth shouldn’t use a contraceptive coil because complications might render them infertile. I say: Women who haven’t given birth shouldn’t be given a coil by their doctors, because the inapt Mirena thing only comes in ONE size – and there’s simply not enough room in a virgin uterus to accommodate the coil generously enough.

Aren’t we living in an era of micro-gadgets? Is there no way of making the damn thing smaller? More flexible? Why isn’t it part of the package that the doctor first defines the size of the uterus and then selects the custom size contraceptive coil?

Because contraceptive coils are for WOMEN – you’d be surprised how quickly they’d come up with a customized solution if ever a MAN would have to stick a little peg up his prick.


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  1. hm.. nice new widget on the side 🙂

    re: contraception, I haven’t used it in years. Just can’t be bothered.

  2. My God, this sounds horrendously painful! Isn’t there a patch you can use — much less invasive — if you don’t want to take pills or make your guy wear condoms.

  3. Well, condoms it is (again)! I wanted something carefree, and ideally with none (or small amounts) of hormones. Now I know better…

  4. […] I am bleeding like a sheep, slaughtered the Halaal way… Who ever put the idea in my mind that the orc instrument reduces the mucous something in your uterus was wrong – it’ simply stopped from falling apart […]

  5. […] I am bleeding like a sheep, slaughtered the Halaal way… Who ever put the idea in my mind that the orc instrument reduces the mucous something in your uterus was wrong – it’s simply stopped from falling […]

  6. Haha great i recently had the mirena coil fitted although i had not planned for it… i have endometriosis and the consultant (gynae) decided that we’d stick this here like that and then we’d be fine! We being ME! AND THE GYNAE BEING A MAN HAD NO IDEA OF THE PAIN OR ANYTHING! Luckily there was an incredible female nurse who looked after me, i thought i was going to die really i completley understand what you went through… so far the sex has been better but the cramps are the same if not worse although my stomach has swollen to twice its size! Great!
    Either way ive been told… hang in there and you’ll be fine and it needs 6 months to settle! Argh!

    Settle its a plastic T in my bits!

    Just wondering if you think its worth me trying longer with it or just getting it out?

  7. Dang, I really don’t know – with me, I had terrible cramps in the first few months and those went away and came back, but I could always still feel that thing inside and give me pain. Pain because of its shape. The always show you how nicely it is supposed to fit your uterus on a plastic model, but don’t forget that the uterus is the shape of a gherkin! I could’t bear the pain any longer and I don’t regret I got rid of it.

    Nonetheless – even if the pain will go away after 6 months (it probably will) it enrages me to just think that there is a type of treatment that takes HALF A YEAR to start to become comfortable AND efficient. Don’t you think medicine would have devised something that is immediately comfortable if a man would have to wear it?


    I’ll never have one again in my whole life, definitely not. No plastic T on my girly bits no more.

  8. I had a horrible time with the mirena, and at the old age of 34, I just had a hysterectomy. I had the mirena put in last November, and had constant problems. The mirena was “too big” for my uterus, and also had slipped downward towards the cervix. Trying to ignore the pain for months, I saw another gyno, and as I had tried every birthcontrol pill known, for excessive bleeding and cramping, I had it, and my ute removed.

    There are many of us out there who thought it would be the best thing in the world. HA! There are so many women out there that have had problems which are not told to you at the time of insertion.

    If it works for some, great, but in my experience, and reading the experience of others, it can be a bitch.

    I always called it my own personal windturbine without any benefits.

  9. Oh dear, this sounds horrible! The problems have, I hope, gone away now, but I am sorry to hear you had to take such drastic measures in the end.

    I meanwhile discourage any woman I know and who considers using Mirena to do so. The shape of this thing simply isn’t fit for a uterus! The uterus is NOT T-shaped, and there are just too many ways that the coild can be placed in your uterus that will hurt! I really don’t get why they
    a) cannot develop a shape that isn’t painful
    b) cannot develop a coil that is easy to remove
    c) do not even think about given women at least a local anaesthetic, as placing and removing the coil is the worst pain in the world.

  10. I love it. I have had it for almost 3 years. No bleeding, no craps, no weight gain…so surprised to see all these comments. I must be one of those rare people with a T shape uterus.

  11. I have had my Mirena for 3 years now and in fact I am going in tomorrow to have it removed because we want to have another little one.

    Except for the normal cramps after having iot inserted I have had a live of pleasure with mine. No worries did I remember to take the pill no monthly visits from Granny. I love my Mirena and will advice anybody to try it. Maybe it’s because I’ve had 2 babies that I have stretched that it fits.

  12. Well, I guess the problem here is that the pharmacy industry seems to think that one size fits all; which it doesn’t. I sincerely hated every moment with Mirena, in particular after I realized the pain would not go away.

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