Pausing for a moment to think things over

August 30, 2007 at 8:04 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments
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Today, in amid of my putting together the flat and, during pauses, reading To Kill a Mockingbird (finally! Should have done so much earlier – I still am furious about the case of Tom Robinson, and hope that Boo Radley ever came out of that house again and for good; it’s probably this read that put me into a slightly melancholy, contemplative mood), I took a step back and had look at my work: the ceiling I have been painting (speckling my hair white) and the decision I have been taking. Staying in Austria.

It’s true that I am not really keen on Germany (like I like to tell anybody who does or does not want to know) and even less than that would I want my boyfriend to have to live their (it’s easier to move from Germany to Austria than the other way around), but I couldn’t help from suddenly feeling pangs of homesickness. In a way comparable to how I felt after I had been in South Africa for ten back-to-back months when I was 23; home felt so far away and impossible to reach and yet the time of return so far away (as I had just decided I would stay for more than a year).

Similarly, the decision has now been taken, I am (most likely) going to sign a work contract tomorrow, so here I am again, with the only option being to settle in a yet again new environment. I’ve done that plenty of times before, and I am probably better at that than other people, in particular because I have learned to become absolutely self-contained. And in this first month I am ever more going to be thrown back on myself as my boyfriend is not coming to join me before October. But instead of being her by myself, I’d rather be some place HOME.

Although I am not so sure where that would be.

Another fact to increase my melancholy: an aunt of mine has been admitted to a hospital recently and is now being scanned for a possible brain tumor. I asked my brother to find out for me whether I was allowed to call her – I figured he had too, it’s the one aunt on whom I blew the whistle with child welfare after one of her daughters told me that their daddy had kicked their foster child so badly in the ribs that it could walk only with pain (the siblings had all told me stories about being beat up before). In any case, she didn’t want to, which is really sad because I know that I used to mean something to her – for being not so much of a chav as the people in her immediate environment, and for probably also given her the feeling that she wasn’t so much of a chav either (of course that’s speculation on my part).

This event led me try a little forecast of our future relationship – has she decided that I am forever not going to be part of her life? (Ironically: not part of her life for having blown the whistle on her; but what it really should read like is: not part of her life for getting to know that her children are physically abused by their father and she does FUCK ALL to stop him). And thus – fast forward – does that mean that I am not going to be allowed to her funeral? And worse: If she dies (as people sometimes do from brain tumors) will child welfare be finally wise enough to take that kid out of this family, or are they simply going to wait until he has turned into an animal himself? Aus Geschlagenen werden schließlich Schläger – those who get beaten up turn into beaters, eventually.

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  1. Interesting! If I had time to reflect, I would come to the conclusion to:

    - drop everything
    - move back to Edinburgh
    - find a job up there

    I feel really homesick for E. right now, and I think I’m going to have to make some changes this year. This concept of HOME is increasingly more important to me. I mean, I never felt at home anywhere, but in E. I finally do. Do you remember when we were walking in Holyrood Park, and I told you I could never leave? Well, that still stands. Only somehow I’ve ended up in London :(

    So, irrespective of the family stuff (family doesn’t mean that much to me), I definitely get the impression that Dornbirn was never home for you. Cologne maybe. I’m pretty certain though that Vienna has what it takes to feel like home. Just not yet…

  2. That’s right, Dornbirn was, an Cologne definitely (almost) was – Vienna certainly has what it takes, yet it takes awhile. I was in Dornburn for the experience and the money, and I got what I wanted: I learned a lot and had a secure income for three years. Maybe London and where you work could be something similar for you. And in three years you can go back to EDI:-)


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